We're like a lot better than the average bears
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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