My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
