After last night, I could never be a politician.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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