Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's shark week go big or go home
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
