Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
