i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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