YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
she smelled like a LAN party
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
