Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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