he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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