Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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