38 yer olds are good kisserssss
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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