Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
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i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
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I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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