Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
