I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
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Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
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You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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