I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
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the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
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I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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