I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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