this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
