like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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