oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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