I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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