She is in my trunk
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
