I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
