I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
