I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
