I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
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Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
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There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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