i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
