Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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