i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
