Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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