Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
high people should be assigned attendants
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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