I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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