So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
