my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
