I smell stomach acid.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
