Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.