She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.