your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
