Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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