stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
