your thong is hanging out like whoa
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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