I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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