so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
