Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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