I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
not ubering you a puppy
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
