There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
