Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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