I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
