i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
