When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
