I should be sponsored by Trojan
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
