You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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