I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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